Let;'s join something!

Why not join something. It looks good on your resume. Hey, you will always have something in the mail asking for money, BESIDES a bill. Here are 11 things people join, because they haven't yet realized that meetings suck.

1. Fraternity

You hold events in the spirit the ancient excess of Western Civilization's greatest thinkers, but all that ever gets re-enacted is the vomitorium. You find new and exciting ways to rape Freshmen girls and rape the innocence of Freshmen boys (No, it's not a Christian College, it's the "Greek system"). It makes you FEEL like you're in a life-long, secret, Illuminati-esque society, but all you get after you graduate is a secret knock and a stupid T-Shirt.

2. Union

It's the oldest and most spirited way of hanging out with people at work. It's also a great way for mafia to get into politics. Unions fight for the workers rights, but only if the workers stop working. Unions attempt to organize people who work in specifically independent trades. Unions prevent us from having companies that rip off it's employees and pass the savings onto cheapskates. That is until the day that cheapskates unite.

3. Golf Club

It's a great way to get a discount on customized tees. What else could possibly justify spending that much on a set of sporting equipment? An expensive membership! If you used that money on hockey equipment, you'd own the Nashville Predators. You also get to buy an extra pair of shoes, they're really cool and metal. Having a caddy is half as bad as having a male sex slave.

4. Fan Club

You love this artist so much that you'd suck their... anything! Get as dirty as you want! You'd do it! You filthy star-fucking whore. Do you have a poster? Do you often visit an "artist's" chat room to talk to other "fans" of this "artist." Is this "artist" a top 40 pop star or science fiction actor/actress?

5. Book Club

Like, what's the point of reading something that four or five other people have read? I thought to whole point of reading was to stump someone on a book, as to seem better read then them. Let's share our feelings on a book, it's better then talking about reality, or y'know hanging out.... like normal people. It also gives you a great excuse to blow off your friends to study, even when you're not in school.

6. Support group

You gotta give it up. We can help; we've gotta give it up too. It's hard being anti-fun, but if we do it together we can help each other. "I wasn't born a Christian, but I found Jesus while trying to keep my nose clean." I think it's cheating to prey on the drug-addled when trying to find fresh converts, but maybe I'm old-fashioned.

7. Block association

Keep your neighborhood safe from unlicensed ice cream vendors and double parking. From now on your not aimlessly walking around the block, you're patrolling the perimeter of your mighty block-wide empire. You are no longer a shut-in, but committed to your proud land and it's people.

8. Religious Cult

Think of it this way... You could live in a safe, closed-off environment where everybody dresses the same, and everyone is force fed the same hogwash explanations for the way life started, perpetuates itself and what happens after it all ends... but you pay half as much for it as you do for Catholic school.

9. Political Party

Always wanted to sport a button, but might be afraid that it express some kind of individuality, making you "different." Join a political party and wear the same buttons as hundreds of thousands of like-minded robot pricks. It's the best way to affect the political process, if y'know money is out of the question for you. Don't blame me, I voted for who ever I'm supposed to.

10. PTA

The best way to make sure your child is being held responsible for while you work: Bake brownies. The shortest road to getting a book banned is through the PTA. It's a great place to pick-up chicks, once you get to the point where it doesn't matter if they have kids or not.

11. Militia

I dunno it sounds kind of malicious. It's like playing with G.I. Joes, but for adults. What else are you going to do out in the woods after hunting no longer quenches your thirst for fresh blood? Your best defense against an invasion of aliens.

Top 10 (Perhaps Unfairly) Maligned States

Ever wonder why people roll their eyes at you when you bust out your old Sooners sweatshirt? Here are a list of the 10 states-of-residence that will get you sneered at, particularly by New Yorkers, Northern Californians, Hawaiians, and any state to share an unfortunate boarder with you. Your soulness makes Wyoming seem less desolate. You are sub-Guam. If there was a second confederacy made up of these states, I wouldn't see much worth fighting for.

Notes: These are the worst states. Some might argue that these are fine states, but in most statesmen's states of mind they stink. Although I haven't been to about half of these listed, I've met people from their and heard their harrowing tales of survival from them.

10. Oklahoma

The last lands ripped from the hands of our natives, well the last mainland territory (sorry Hawaii). "Okies": just the nickname makes me wanna protrude my lower lip and make a duh sound. Some luck Oklahomans made it out after the dust bowl, and settled in the worst part of California, the Central Valley. While the state once boasted great country music including Bob Wilis and his Texas Playboys, Oklahoma has a tax problem, poverty and infamous acts of domestic terrorism now. This "buckle on the bible-belt" also boasts some terrain in the corners, but is mostly a flat, dysfunctional, two-time zoned mess. They call um Sooners because they were the ones that ripped the last protected native lands "soonest." They are a blood-thirsty rival for the top chunk of Texas they boarder, and just stole Basketball from Seattle, so I don't think I'm alone in saying that "Oklahoma!" is more of a musical than a state.

9. Alaska

An experiment in colonialism gone horribly wrong. Welcome to the only state that pays you to reside there. Sarah Palin. Alaskans are a desperate and lonely bunch. Don't get me wrong, Alaska is an outdoors man's paradise, but can't we just go on vacation to shoot wolves out of airplanes? Do we have to live up there and foul up the countries last unspoiled place. Sarah Palin. Imagine living in the Oil Fields of hell, after it had frozen over. Alaskan winters are dark, miserable and drive the crazy people who live there into becoming crazy drunks. Sarah Palin! If your car can start, just drive it south and thank god you've made it out alive. There is a part of Russia about the same climate; it's called Siberia; it's where they put political prisoners. On the plus side, this gulag of a red state, is supposed to have amazing pot... but Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin. Holy shit. Sarah Palin.

8. New Jersey

You're biggest city is Newark, second Jersey City. Some believe you're controlled by the mafia, others by big business, most New Yorkers think that New Jersey is a garbage dump on the way to Philly. That's not fair. New Jersey is really more of a suburb than a state. It's where New York City puts it's factories, football stadiums, small airports and yes garbage. After it most of the areas without a lot of rich commuters filled up with garbage New York started reluctantly putting it on Staten Island. The stereotype about people from Jersey is that they're the obnoxious, unpolished Napoleonic bugs of amateur hour who annoy locals every weekend. While this is not entirely true, a New Yorker will only venture into Jersey ironically, or to dispose of a dead body.

7. Minnesota

I wish I could say that Minnesota was donated to us from Canada after the war of 1812, but no, actually hastily sold by Napoleon, who felt like it "just wasn't right" for his empire. Once Bob Dylan left, he was so inspired by how the world could be if not in Minnesota, he became a songwriting genus. I think Dylan wrote more songs about states he'd never been to then the one he grew up in. Although most of the state is corn fields and hockey rinks, they do have a city that seems like if it could be cool (Minneapolis), if not for it's slow Siamese twin always hangin' round. Although they were the only state to never give Reagan an electoral vote, they've squandered any right to brag, about not being star struck by voting in Jesse "the body" Ventura. While the Jesse "the body" thing is funny, com mic relief isn't enough to compensate of the stupidest sounding accent in America. My family is Scandinavian, and this is the Scandinavian capital of America, so I can't be too hard on Minnesota, but it is awful. Imagine Sweden, except for with dumpy chicks instead of hot blondes, no dramatic views and no great social systems, but the same dumbass liquor laws and high taxes. Whooo!

6. North Dakota

It may sound like I was easy on Minnesota, if I was, it's because North Dakota is basically the same only without any of the good things about Minnesota: no Scandinavian culture, no lakes, no wrestler governors, no Dylan. Just cold, boring, slow-witted, mid-western pointlessness with the delightful addition of Jesus Camps. While North Dakota doesn't have the lame tourism and shady FBI shootouts on Indian reservations as it's delightful Dakota to the South (which also could have easily wound up here) it doesn't really have anything does it? I think I know more about Swaziland than North Dakota. Even the states it borders are lame. Lame Lame Lame.

5. Delaware

A bump on the 1-95. Delaware seems like more of a rest stop than a state. One of the few states that are ever blue on my list. Delaware has lax business laws that make the state a paradise for credit card companies and schooners. Think Connecticut without Yale and bordering Jersey instead of New York. The blues are so white in Delaware that George Thoroughggood is the the closest thing they have to soul.

4. Mississippi

A state of superlatives. Poorest, dumbest, dirtiest etc. More of an answer on a spelling bee then a state. Like a music-less, flavorless Louisiana. The armpit of the gulf. Mississippi is periodically covered with water from the Gulf of Mexico, these "high-tide" periods are considered the best times to visit as the state isn't covered in garbage for a while and a few Mexicans wash up giving the state some much needed diversity. According to recent statistics, Mississippi leads the country in the rate of increase of immigrants, but that is compared to years when it attracted no immigrants (from the states Wikipedia entry). Dildos are illegal. Bibles are thumped. Confederate flags waved. The deepest part of the south, isn't shallow, except for a few weeks in the dry season.

3. Florida

The only state on here with a major world city. Still not livable. Absurd. Both the dangers of the rural deep south and some of the most crime infested cities. Marshy and full of retirees, Florida is where the civilized world goes to have Spring Break and ride roller-coasters. As bad as Mississippi, but with the resources to really do some damage. Florida caused the Bush Years. Think about that if Florida wasn't such a wasteland of stupidity we would have had a far different 8 years. Only in Florida. Many Cuban refugees leave disappointed, some make it up to Brooklyn and find out that America actually is somewhat of an improvement.

2. Idaho

The white supremacy capital of the West is famous for potatoes and incest. A unique blend of survivalists, disgruntled reservation Indians, Mormons, and possibly Bigfoot, make this the scariest place to get lost in the woods. A lot of good outdoor recreation could be had, but it's better in Colorado, Montana, Oregon and Utah. Most of the things that make Idaho terrible are worse in the worst state.....

1. Utah

Mormons! This is the reddest state in the Union. The one that brought us Orrin Hatch, and the name Orrin. Naturally beauty is usually a big plus for a state, but when it is controlled by a crazy religious cult that imposes buzz-kill laws requiring Near Beer, outlawing gambling and sex shows, but somehow they overlook polygamy. The shitty beer situation (Same in North Dakota *shudders* North Dakota) is compounded by the fact that the state is prone to droughts. Even thought they control their booze the state is still number one if forcible rape. It does have good skiing, but I don't ski. MORMONS! It's technically legal to marry a first cousin here, but not to have sex without marriage. MORMONS!

The news in brief 9/10

Throughout this lonely day at home monitoring internet news blogs, I was witness to a monumental struggle between two opposite but capable canidates... for the most popular news story of the day.

In this corner: The Large Hadron Collider. We have news that an international team of super scientists have constructed a series of particle accelerators, so powerful that they force protons to collide at the cataclysmic speeds nearing those of light required to isolate the "god particle," which might be the building block for mass withing all of the universe's matter. The results are intended to recreate the conditions that initiated the theorized big bang. Managing this could shed light on mysteries of dark matter, the creation of the universe and could lead to reinventing the way we view the physical universe. In fact, right now on the Swiss/French boarder scientists could be growing a new universe within our own. This project was conceived almost thirty years ago and has been in the works for 12 years.
Despite it's exciting possibilities some question the use of such a machine, as it has cost 10 Billion, nearly as much as a months worth ammunition for soldiers in Iraq. Some believe that it can create black holes and might cause one that will instantly destroy the world. While, most experts say the machine is perfectly safe. Steven Hawking concedes that there is a one percent chance that it will create small black holes. While Hawking, expects these to disapear into thin air once the elements run out of energy, some have misheard the respected astro-physist and formulated doomsday theories.

And in this corner: Obama said "Pig in lipstick" and smirked, John McCain's camp made another surrealistically asine ad (still not as bad as the one that implies Obama is a child molester), which calls Obama a sexist.

Now go see which one is number on on every major online news wire.... Except BBC.

Comedy-Blog

Hey I'm a comedian again! I just made the decision to return, and use my blog as a rubbish bin for jokes that I may or may not use.

Yes, for those that don't know, I was a comedian in a past life, and have been avoiding it due to an extended period of foul temper. A wonderful acid trip the other night set me straight though, no more putting it off, I'm returning to the stage to do some open mic's next week.

I was frying really good just considering a table, as an instrument. What would we be without tables? On where would we rest stuff? What would we sit around? Tables never let you down, you can put stuff on them and when you get back it will be there? Tables don't generally just collapse for no reason. At least I've never seen it. Tables.

Anyway I'm going to rant into this thing and use some of it for my "gigs" which I will post on this handy blog, which once housed semi-serious writings. Catch me next Tuesday at the Alligator Lounge. No not this Tuesday, next Tuesday.